Reflection

RIP Mama - Mrs Doris Mary Duckmanton (25/10/1917 - 03/09/09 aged 91 years)



My beloved Grandmother passed away this week. Aged 91, she been born in WW1 and lost a brother in WW2. She'd raised a loving and close family, worked hard - and although not having much enjoyed life to the maximum. As a small child I used to go and stay with her at the weekends (eventually we moved in with her when i was six); she used to lift me out of the bath and carry me to the coal fire burning in th living room; used to make me brush my teeth with soap, and she gave me beef with wobbly bits on. Mama taught me right from wrong; to work hard and you will be rewarded in time; my grandma taught me how to be the person I am today.

She smiled, she sang, she made the best scones ever. She was loved my everyone who met her; as many of my friends have told me this last few days, She was a legend!!! I miss her so much already, I will love her eternally.

----

It shocked me. Even at her age, with all the set backs she's ever had she's been strong. For the past few years she has suffered, and deteriorated badly, with dementia. It was awful to see it happen, to lose yourself in that way. I pray she didn't suffer, that she knew nothing of what happened to her.

The worst part was getting the call. My dad calling me at 6.30am mean't one thing and one thing only. I knew before he even said it. Not being there hurt me. Having lived with her virtually all my life and now to be living here and unable to be there that instant, hurt me so bad. I thank god I had only visited a few days previously. I got to sit by her side, hold her hand, see her smile, her blue eyes twinkle and I got to kiss her goodbye. She even kissed my OH as we left, that was something she'd never done! I turned to look at her one last time that day, I don't know why, but she was smiling at me, waving and saying "see you," do you think that someway, somehow she maybe knew? Maybe fate made me look back again, am so pleased I did. That look on her face, that smile will live in my memory for always.

Timing is everything. I guess. My lovely grandma, went to heaven the day before my birthday. The sad part being the card I knew my mum had already sent to me, the white envelope looking at me from the coffee table, held birthday wishes from my grandmother, already at rest. I will treasure it for ever.

I am sad, mostly, that she will not be there for my wedding. My thoughts over the last few weeks whilst arranging photographers were that I definately wanted a picture of me and her, in my wedding dress, her smiling and proud. It hurts that that won't become a reality. She liked my OH. She used to smile, rub his bald head and laugh. I know she approved, and I know that, 6 months today, she will be with me, watching me and guiding me on my wedding day.

Sorry to be so ... down. Believe me when I say I am very sad, but also that I treasure the happy times and celebrate her long and wonderful life. I was honoured to have her, to know her and to be loved by her. I will do her proud, and watch out for that twinkle.

With love xx

Up

I found bridesmaid dresses yesterday from a lovely bridal store in Nottingham. My two bridesmaids are going to look gorgeous. I am so happy, we didn't have to go walking around a million shops. That is my idea of hell. I hate shopping. Most of the time. I love to look for books and interesting stuffs but clothes and shoes and handbags and jewellery - nope, not interested. I never liked it, so I don't often do it. I go when I need too - hark my great find yesterday.

Anyway... the count down is on 200 days. That isn't an awful lot you know. I remember counting up and it was well over 400. Jeepers. On one hand I want it to go fast because I want to marry him. Other hand, I want it to slow down just so I can get everything sorted and perfect. I am enjoying the arranging, the pretty stuffs, looking for the things to make it so perfect!

I've had an up and down week to be honest. I felt really fed up at points. Think I just needed a change, or something. I am happy again no - OH has ensured that, he has looked after me, made me smile, loved me for being me and never ever been mad if I acted on my "fed up" state of mind. I think having so many big changes this year, and more to come- everythings been a whirlwind and it's taken a while for things to calm down.

I am happy. I am being me, doing the things I want and acting how I want. I have someone who treats me very well. I am lucky. I can do the things I want, I can try. I have made my mind up to do something. I may surprise myself.. and a few others!

New York

33 weeks to go.
Thats how many weeks until my wedding day. Until I become a wife. A wedded woman, part of a married couple. I become someone new, a new name, a new identity - maybe a new person. I am so excited. Its the next chapter in my life, or maybe it is merely chapter one. Perhaps up until this point I have been living out the prologue.

33 weeks and 2 days.
I go to my most favourite place ever. New York. Ten wonderful nights in somewhere I wish was home. I am beyond excited to be going back and this time with the love of my life. Will I see it through different eyes? There is so much I want to see; do and show my soon to be husband. The best ten days of my life - no matter what!!

Two years ago if you'd have told me I would be living here, with my FIANCEE, counting down the weeks until my wedding day I would have laughed. I would have looked you in the eye and called you a liar. I genuinely did not think I would meet him. I never thought I could be in love, or have someone love me; accept me for who I am, what I am and want to make me his wife. I feel very lucky, cherished and thankful. Whatever I did to get him - THANK YOU.

Search with eyes wide open and you may not find the things you seek.

CPAP not CRAP

This is what I wear in bed every night, hot stuff eh?!


I have sleep Apnoea. I would go into major definition a la Wikipedia style but I figure if your interested in finding out what it is, what it means, how it effects me you'll go look yourself.



BASICALLY:



"Sleep apnea: The temporary stoppage of breathing during sleep, often resulting in daytime sleepiness. Apnea is a Greek word that means "want of breath."
The most common form of sleep apnea is obstructive sleep apnea. In obstructive sleep apnea, the muscles of the soft palate around the base of the tongue and the uvula relax, obstructing the airway. The airway obstruction causes the level of oxygen in the blood to fall (hypoxia), increases the stress on the heart, elevates blood pressure, and prevents the patient from entering REM sleep, the restful and restorative stage of sleep. In other words, sleep apnea causes deprivation of quality sleep.
The symptoms of obstructive sleep apnea include loud snoring and/or abnormal pattern of snoring with pauses and gasps. Other symptoms include excessive daytime sleepiness, memory changes, depression, and irritability. " (www.medterms.com)





To stop this I have to use a CPAP machine. For want of a better definition...it makes air flow into the airway at a constant pressure - so there is no obstruction and therefore I don't "breath hold" and I can enter a deeper level of sleep.

Ive been on the CPAP machine for about 10 months and its amazing. After a few strange weeks, I learn't how to move around in my sleep, I learn't to NOT open my mouth at all whilst wearing it or something very odd happens and I feel like I'm choking on air. I can go to the bathroom during the night, not strangle myself in my sleep and more importantly - I know how to position the mask so cool air blows on me - useful during the hot nights I may add.

Seriously it works. My sleep now compared to before is a million per cent better. I don't have headache in the morning. I am not sleepy and drowsy in the day and Iget a full nights rest.

The CPAP machine isn't a miracle worker - it doesnt cure MY OWN imsonia. I wish it did though. I figure all these years of not having the CPAP and not having a full nights sleep has effected me somehow.

So there, something new you didn't know about me. Interesting or not. Its true and more people than you think will be exactly the same!!

Quiet...

1:28 am ....
I am awake, but yes I am tired.
I stayed up to watch a film - it's an oldish one - I picked up cheap but have no reason as to why. Its called 'Scent of a Woman' with Al Pacino and Chris O'Donnell. I admit I have never seen any Al Pacino film.

I haven't committed a crime - I just never have. I may have broken some cardinal social rule?

The film lasted for what seems an eternity. It's not that it is bad - just.... plodding along.

Anyway, I am back. Writing. Emptying my cloudy brain, especially after the stormy and unpredictable air that intensified every ache. A few of you noticed I hadn't wrote for a while... I forgot my login stuff - seems to be very like an excuse you'd give to teacher.

But you call smile along with me... I will write and I have lots to say usually.

For now - I shall go and rest my creative head, snuggle down in my bed and dreams a million stories for you to read!

xxx

The joy of the fair...

Today is the perfect spring day.
The sun is shining, birds are chirping - there is still a cool nip in the air but nothing like the past few weeks. The trees are changing, tiny buds are appearing and the air seems to be fresh. Is it optimism I can smell in the air?

It must just be me. The spring season arrives and my mood lifts. I feel happy, brighter and everything just feels positive. Its the start of something totally new.

Today we went to our first wedding fair since our engagement. It was fantastic! All the beautiful dresses, the gorgeous suits, jewellery, flowers and so much more. I now want everything!! We have a lot to do but I like to be uber organised so I am starting early!

I loved the excitement, the romance of it all. Looking forward to the most life changing event I will have experienced - working at making the day everything I want it to be!

"I have always considered marriage as the most interesting event of one's life, the foundation of happiness or misery."
GEORGE WASHINGTON, letter to Burwell Bassett, May 23, 1785

Oh the dresses... they were gorgeous! I hasten to add I am not a typically girly girl.. I dont like skirts or dresses or pretty sparkly things. I never have. But this is one dress I want to wear and I want to be pretty, I don't mind the sparkles... I want to lace and trim... One day only I will be the princess!

Work wise - I have a job! Ive been in this new role for a week, I like it, people are nice and I am in no position no complain. I have learnt things and have so many more to learn yet but I am eager and will do it. I do have this fabulous dress in mind!

I was getting down in the dumps. Before I got this job I was getting depressed, not medically but in terms of my mood. I was far more "down" than I let anyone know. I hated being ..nothing. It was hard, I sympathise with everyone in the same position. Applying for anything and everything - no matter what, where or how much. Sending CVs and hearing no thanks repeatedly hammers down any esteem you have. To spend time filling in forms to get a letter of rejection almost stops a beat of your heart.

Nobody can make it feel better. Nothing but getting a job can make it hurt less. To feel like your no good, usless even. To everyone- I say keep trying. Keep on. I can't say something will come along, but I can say you may get a thicker skin, rejection won't sting but be just a dull ache. Try and try again, try until you dont think you have anything left inside of you.

It may be three steps forward and two back... but it still means you get there right. Just takes longer!!

I want to do something.

I feel a little restless. I want to be doing something, but then again I don't know what. I'm looking forward to getting into this new job. One more week of doing nothing then I'll be back into the monotonous routine again. To think I used to be bored of getting up and going into the office , every single dayit seems ridiculous that I am looking forward to getting back into it.

Realistically I have been unemployed for five weeks, in the modern climate this is hardly any time, and although I was fed up, getting rather down in the dumps and miserable- I've worked hard at getting something else. I made phone calls, filled in a million forms, sent out CVs galore.. and it has paid off. I got several interviews, and more than one job offer in the end. The job I am starting had 100 applicants. ONE HUNDRED PEOPLE applied for a simple admin job in a HR department. I got it, and yes that gave me a buzz. I liked to think that my skills and personality set me out from the rest. Its a big achievement in todays world. I always used to say there is a job out there if your willing to do anything - sometimes we have to do things we don't really want too, I know now it is harder. Now it is impossible it seems which is why I am thankful. People just have to perservere, keeping applying and keep trying. Keep morale up as much as you can, goodness knows I am a happy person, I don't get glum too much but spending days on end with no response and no luck would make anyone feel low. Good Luck to everyone still searching!
“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” - Winston Churchill.

Some things in my life are beyond my control. Situations arise and stuff happens that I will never be able to stop, as much as I wish I could. This doesn't change how much I care, love and does not make me want to live a different life. I may feel scared sometimes but not out of what could happen, or the feeling I can not handle it, I can. I am not scared for me. I just want things to be alright. Love is love, and loving someone is beautiful. My life is taking its own path, I won't stop it for I do believe in fate. Fate has given me so many things, actions that were not in my control or choices I made have enabled my life to be enriched with good people, places and feelings.

I love a wonderful man. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile. He protects me and keeps me safe. He loves me for the girl I am and the woman he's helping me be. I know his smile, I can read his eyes and know what he thinks. He is my best friend, a soul mate and someone I will spend eternity with. True love, no complications and never expectations. We were made to be together - we fit like pieces in a puzzle. I am lucky. People sometimes go through life and don't feel this way. I will always feel this way, I have everything I want. I don't need more.

Onwards I go, more wedding planning needed. Less than a year until our big day - how on earth will I manage to wear a dress all day?!?

Love for now. xxx

Silence

No words, yet noise fills the air.
I look at you and in my head I can talk forever.
In reality I have nothing left no words can be uttered.
No cutting remarks can I utter
under my breath or at the top of my voice.
Why should I.

I have feelings, I have emotion and passion,
I have love. I feel love.
Every beat of my heart pumps adrelin around my tired body;
I can not fight. I don't really want too.
I just want to be back in those arms

Light will be a day new.
Where this shall all be but a distant memory.
Silence...
Be gone and bring my love back to me.

My Saint Valentine.

Valentine, you are my heart.
An angel with devoted love to part.
Our day is marked for all to see,
The moment you fell in love with me.
A crisp February day, so clear,
You told me I would be forever dear,
The One for you, Your sweet-heart true.
That you had me, and I’d always have you.
You left that morn, with wings of gold,
You left me with no one to hold.
But from my eyes no tears would weep,
For I know I had your heart to keep.
Years go by, I remember well,
Intense love, how my heart does swell!
On that February date,
Valentine, my life long soul-mate,
I dream of that love so deep,
You promised I would always keep.
In my heart, You will remain to be,
Valentine, a saint to me.